mrsbeetonsdog:

Don’t do it! You narcissistic (look it up), superficial, empty-headed pipsqueak (and again). Spend the money instead on a book or, even better, a present for your mum. You are not a “gangsta”, living a “thug life” in “da hood”. You haven’t read any scriptures, shakespeare or ancient texts, nor been anywhere or done anything in your life, which would warrant such an act. You are not from some Pacific Island tribe. It is unlikely you are a Maori. Those symbols have deep, historical, spiritual and cultural meanings, going back thousands of years. You, on the other hand, are probably called John, or Steve, or Julie or Cheryl, have nice parents and own a smart phone you got as a Birthday present. If you have a job, you probably work in an office. Or “food services”.  Grow the fuck up.

Tattoos do not make you appear spiritual, deep, interesting, intelligent, individualistic, nor a rebel. (At least not to anyone who is authentically any of those things). Perhaps it will to your friends, but I mean, look at them….

Still commited to getting a tattoo? Of course you are. Well, if you insist on pursuing your vacuous ambition like the rest of the vanilla-flavoured masses you so desperately wish to ape, (sorry, differentiate yourself from), then here goes;

1. Let’s start with the basics. Remember school? No, of course you don’t. A is for…….? Apostrophe. At school you were taught that; You’re = you are. We’re = we are, They’re = “they are”,  It’s = “it is” and Won’t = “will not”. Can’t is the contraction of “cannot”.  Got that now? No? Okay, let’s move on anyway and long live the English GCSE!

2. The correct spelling of the words you will, depressingly, be looking to use, are as follows; beautiful, tragedy, heart, spirit, remember, believe, strength, stronger, spirit, breathe, judge, angel, guard(ian), achieve, freedom, honour, valour, tomorrow, wisdom…….. Look, basically, buy a fucking dictionary!

3. Do not get a tattoo quoting something you have not read, let alone understand. E.g. Corinthians in the Bible, Hamlet, Reinhold Niebuhr (exactly!), Nietzsche, the Bhagavad Gita….nor, indeed, anything else which is not in English. (If you need a dictionary to spell the word tragedy, what fucking chance do you think you’ve got with Mandarin or Sanskrit?)

4.  Make sure neither you nor your tattooist are in any way physically or mentally impaired. If you are one and the same person, put the tattoo machine down, step away and go and play with something more appropriate (like a crayon and a circle of coloured paper)

5. Spell-check it, or, failing that….

6. No, seriously, SPELL-CHECK IT, I’m not kidding. Or, if you don’t have time for that….

7. ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME, MORON?! I SAID, FUCKING SPELL-CHECK IT!! JESUS CHRIST!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??!!

8. Please see 5-7, above. Thank you.

9. If you really can’t be arsed to do any of the above, then just get a bunch of flowers done or some similar bollocks. Maybe a little heart with a smiley face on it? Or your name? Hmm?

10. If you’ve read this far, congratulations! Your attention span is at least equivalent to that of the average six year-old South Korean schoolchild. Hopefully, you will also possess their common sense and, therefore, be in no danger of getting a tattoo.

Now go out and buy your mum a present with the money you were planning to spend on drink or some smart phone app shit, you smug, self-centred, ungrateful, little fucker, you.

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